FRANK TALK: Planning for the hereafter, here and now – Wicked Local

(This is a humor column. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental – and tremendously unlikely.)

It’s one of the many, many signs that you’re getting long in the tooth.

It’s a come-on postcard in the mail.

Traditional mail, of course.

You’re old, remember?

Old folks don’t need to be bothered with that newfangled eeemail stuff over the interweb.

The postcard offers you a deluxe free dinner in big bold letters at a nice local restaurant.

The letters get a little smaller, but are colorful and in a jazzy font, in describing your dinner options.

There are usually two such options. You could enjoy Chicken Marsala – sautéed with mushrooms in a delightful wine sauce over homemade fettuccine.

Or, maybe you would prefer some grilled marinated steak tips served with mushrooms, baked potato, and a choice of broccoli, carrots, or kale.

Then, while you’re thinking, “I’m definitely not getting, kale,” the postcard gets to the point in smaller black letters in a less jazzy font.

This is where you’re informed that the meal comes with an informative seminar on items of importance to the chronologically challenged.

Most often, it’s about making retirement plans.

Or, it could be about real estate, as in moving on from that large house you no longer need.

But I received a postcard recently that seemed to be breaking new ground in pitches aimed at those who are no longer young.

It was offering “cremation services” for those who have been “considering cremation.”

Not to be skeptical, but I don’t think anyone ever really spends much time considering cremation.

If that’s a requirement, then I don’t qualify for my free grilled marinated steak tips dinner, sans kale.

However, I’m no quitter.

I kept reading to determine if I had a hitherto unknown interest in the subject.

During the seminar, the organizers will discuss the benefits of pre-planning, according to the postcard. I guess prior planning prevents poor performance.

Also to be discussed are ecology-friendly options.

Hmmm, which begs the question – is there an option where I might become a threat to the environment? I don’t wish to become a danger to small woodland creatures or species of exotic ferns.

I also learned the seminar will include a discussion of financial options where you, the crematee, stand to glean substantial savings.

I’m not sure how that would work. How do you make cremation more affordable? Cut back on fuel?

And, finally, the cremators offer to discuss a “travel and relocation protection plan.”

I’m not sure, but I think they mean after you’ve been through the procedure. That’s an odd time to plan a trip, though. On the other hand, it’s probably difficult to get a seat on most commercial flights at that point.

If the meal is not enough to induce me to show up, the postcard notes that attendees also have a chance to win an “entertainment package for two.”

It doesn’t get into specifics, but if you’re part of a couple that goes on cremation-seminar dates, you probably could use a little entertainment.

If you can’t make the seminar, it’s stated, there is a 24-hour hotline you can call to talk cremation services.

That’s helpful. I must admit.

Who hasn’t awoken at 3 a.m. with the urge to talk cremation pros and cons with an expert?

All right.

Am I being something of a wisenheimer?

Yeah, I am.

It’s a no doubt reputable firm offering information on its services that could come in very handy at some point in – it’s hoped – the very distant future.

It also notes on the postcard that this dinner is available to “first-time” attendees. I guess that means they have a substantial number of folks who aren’t satisfied with just one cremation seminar. They enjoyed the experience and want to come back.

Nevertheless, though, I don’t think I’m going to go.

That’s probably a flaw in my character.

Instead of having all my cremation questions answered well in advance, I’m willing to wait until the very last minute.

And I mean, the very last minute.

Well, that will be shame on me if I don’t end up with the most appropriate, economical and enjoyable cremation experience available when that time comes.

Who’ll be laughing then?

Well, not me.

Of course, I’ll be dead.

Courier & Sentinel Editor Frank Mulligan can be reached at fmulligan@wickedlocal.com