It’s time for Weekend at Biden’s, the Ukraine edition.
Let us begin with breaking news from the Eastern Front, which Dementia Joe is monitoring closely from his getaway assisted-living facility in Delaware.
His stirring call to arms Thursday will be remembered for generations. All dialogue guaranteed verbatim.
“Now the entire world sees clearly what Putin and his kreminite and and and his Kremlin allies are all about.”
Fortunately, aid is on the way — not.
“NATO came together and authorized and activated an activation response plans. This’ll enable NATO’s high-readiness forces to deploy and when and where they’re needed.”
But tough days lie ahead for the brave people of Burisma, er, Ukraine.
“Next few weeks and months we hard on the people of Ukraine.”
A day or so before the invasion, Brandon had laid down the law to Putin.
“At every step, we have shown the United States and our allies and our partners are working in unison, which she hasn’t been counting on, Mr. Putin.”
She? Well, anyway, we all know the president is a deep thinker. Pre-minor incursion, one of his slobbering Democrat stenographers asked him to assess Putin’s end game.
“I do think it’s uh I think he is uh focused on trying to convince the world that he has uh the ability to change the dynamics uh in Europe in a way that he cannot um, but I I don’t uh how much of it is a uh cover for just saying we’re just doing exercises and and there’s more than than that I just can’t it’s hard to read his mind.”
Can we quote you on that, Mr. President?
On Friday, to change the subject, Dementia Joe announced another historic first — the nomination of a Black woman to the Supreme Court.
“I carefully stuttered studied the records of the candidates.”
And after his careful stutter, Brandon found a woman with “extraordinary caulifications” – Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson.
Her parents, Joe stumblingly read from the teleprompter, both graduated from “historic brack Black colleges.”
Dementia Joe was quite impressed with her tenure “on the district circuit court of the DC Circuit Court of Appeals.”
The way you get onto the federal bench, he explained, is to be “concermed confirmed” by the U.S. Senate. Since then, he continued incoherently, her opinions “demonstrate refrect respect for how the law impacts everyday people.”
Dementia Joe can no longer read even the simplest words that have been written for him. In television news, you are instructed not to rely on the teleprompter. Read the copy before you go on the air, and always have hard copy in hand, on the set, in case the inevitable problems arise.
But you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, and in dog years, Joe is more than 550 years old.
And so he reads serving as saving, progress as profit, drugs as jugs. “Union Pacific” comes out as “Union Electric,” “freedom” as “freemom.” “Transparency” is rendered “transparity,” “price” becomes “prife.”
The more syllables, the more problems. “Prescription” becomes “presiption,” or “pretiption.”
He has more and more problems with names, and titles, especially with politicians he hasn’t known for decades. He called the new German leader, Olaf Scholz, “Mr. Chancellor Chancellor.”
New York has both a new governor and a new mayor — at an event Joe couldn’t come up with either of their names, and then called Rep. Hakeem Jeffries “Jeffers.”
Then there’s Rep. Abigail Spanberger of Virginia: “Look, health care is part of Abigail Congresswoman um um you Congresswoman’s um um background.”
Sometimes he screws up both the person’s name and her position: “Secretary of Housing and Urban Affairs uh um Marcie Marcia Fudge uh.”
Speaking of cabinet secretaries: “That’s why I’ve asked the secretary of energy Gov. Granholm Sen. Granholm Sen. Secretary Granholm, but that’s my governor former governor.”
He recently confused Iowa and Ohio. He said he’d been a lifeguard in New York at a body of water that doesn’t exist there — Lake Oswego.
Sometimes, when he loses his train of thought, Brandon just starts repeating himself: “That’s just wrong, it’s simply wrong, especially since it doesn’t cost the drug companies nearly nearly nearly nearly as much.”
Or he can just spew out nonsensical gibberish, Kamala Harris-style:
“Like the idea of all of us here talking about combination of the economic the the technological breakthroughs coupled with the impact on doing it environmentally sound ways to produce changes in the nature of communities and I I just think it has enormous opportunity.”
Brandon has a vision of tomorrow, when America’s infrastructure is boondoggled, er, built back better. He has glimpsed our glorious future on a highway in New Jersey:
“You ride through an intersection where there’s a big circle and four or five roads coming off of it and usually in the middle of that circle that’s a plant you know you can plant trees and flowers and the like.”
Hey, Mr. President, maybe we could call it a rotary! Or a traffic circle, or roundabout.
A few more of President Biden’s recent Greatest Hits:
“Let me regress for just a moment here.”
“I committed that I would follow the science the science as put forward by the CDC and the and the federal people.”
“These announcements are the drumbeat a job of a job resurgence.”
“And I was told that I said, you know, they’ve done a cutout of Number 46 the vice president the presidency the I’m the 46th president.”
Which is the scariest thing of all, Brandon.